Finding Family
by Jellie789
Summary: Post 'Maternal Instincts', when Amanda is at off work on bed rest before Jesse's birth.


On the pillow beside her, mere inches from Amanda Rollins' face, dark brown eyes drilled holes into her with the intensity of their stare. For the last ten minutes, Amanda had done her best to ignore their presence and concentrate on the bedroom ceiling she was staring at. But, as the long minutes drew on, she was waning, and shortly she knew her own high level of stubbornness, of which she was usually so proud, would be trumped by that of another.

An impatient sigh blew down her left ear, and as if on purpose, the warm burst of air caused the fine blonde strands at her hair line to tickle her ear. Annoyed, she rubbed her hand harshly against the side of her face to itch away the sensation, and she turned angrily to meet the gaze she had been avoiding head on.

"Get down, Frannie," Amanda ordered sharply, and the pit bull whimpered at the reprimand and jumped down from beside Amanda, where she had been – patiently, at first – lying beside her owner. The dog skulked to the door of Amanda's bedroom, and looked back forlornly over her shoulder before turning, and with another heavy sigh, trudged reluctantly away into the living space of the apartment.

Amanda blew out a breath, overcome with guilt for snapping at poor Frannie, who was antsy at being cooped up indoors and whose hints at her desire to be taken for a walk had grown less and less subtle as the afternoon had gone on. The dog was used to long stretches of exercise in the park, exploring the vast amounts of outdoor space Amanda usually exposed her to, broken up with exciting games of chasing and fetching balls and searching for sticks.

But all that had stopped since Amanda's latest visit to the hospital, much to Frannie (and Amanda's) frustration. Amanda hadn't intended to abide so strongly by the "bed rest" rule, but the almost full-term baby currently occupying her uterus had other ideas, and she had learnt the hard way that anything more than ten minutes on her feet had cramps and twinges shooting through her belly and back with an intensity that made her head spin. She swallowed the anxiety that rose within her when she let herself consider what real, full blown labour would do to her when Braxton Hicks rendered her housebound. Now she didn't have work to occupy her mind, the reality of what was about to happen had her by the throat. It was all consuming, and she could focus on nothing else.

At one time, a few months ago, when she had been pregnant long enough to get used to the idea but not long enough for it to feel completely real to her, she had been a little excited. But now the moment she became a single mother was likely to be only a few weeks (or at worst a few days) away. The notion of becoming solely responsible for the life of another (Frannie non-withstanding) had her heart beating almost as fast as the prospect of a painful labour did, which now, thanks to Kim, her mother would no longer be present for and she would endure alone.

Amanda was just about to let herself succumb to tears when she jolted at a soft knock on her apartment door. Gingerly, she sat up and swung her legs off the bed. With one hand on the bed to push herself up and the other supporting her abdomen, she slowly rose to her feet, wincing slightly at the dull ache in her pelvis which had begun to make itself known whenever she started to walk. She looked at her watch. Mrs Cooper, her neighbour, must be home from work early. Amanda couldn't say she knew any of her neighbours particularly well – or at all, really – but the Coopers had lived opposite her since she had moved to New York and the kind, older lady and her teenage son Tommy had always made a mad fuss of Frannie whenever Amanda had passed either of them going in and out of her apartment.

A few weeks ago, a heavily pregnant Amanda had been juggling groceries with Frannie on a leash whilst trying to unlock her apartment door and must have looked a particularly hot shade of pissed off and harassed when she bumped into Mrs Cooper. The other woman had smiled sympathetically and offered to help Amanda with anything she needed, all she had to do was ask. So, confined to her apartment, Amanda had done what Amanda hated to do more than anything else, and had asked for help. Mrs Cooper, or sometimes Tommy, walked Frannie round the block as and when work and school allowed, and they had promised they would continue to do so for as long as was necessary.

Frannie had sprung up at the knocking and beaten her to the door. She sat with her nose inches from the wood, her head snapping rapidly from side to side as she looked back and forth between Amanda and the closed door, her own leash held between her teeth, panting and imploring a slow-coach Amanda to hurry up so she could finally get outside. Her tail thudded a rapid, eager beat against the wooden floor and she whined with anticipation.

"I know, baby, I'm here," Amanda mumbled, and she rubbed Frannie roughly around the ears when she opened the door. She was surprised (and Frannie most disappointed) to find herself face to face with Olivia Benson instead.

"Liv, hey," said, suddenly self-conscious. Her boss had rarely seen her clad in anything other than professional work attire and now here she was in flannel pyjama pants and an old, (usually loose-fitting) hooded sweater. Amanda had not worn make-up in days, and if put on the spot, she could not say with one hundred percent certainty she had even brushed her hair today. Olivia looked as perfect as ever, with her glossy brown hair falling in slack waves around her face. Her no-nonsense blouse and slacks combination told Amanda that Olivia had come straight from the precinct.

"Sorry I didn't call, I didn't want to wake you if you were having a nap or resting, but I wanted to drop these in," Olivia gestured with a nod of her head to the large bouquet of daisies in her right hand. How Amanda had not noticed them until Olivia had mentioned them, she did not know.

"Oh, Liv, you shouldn't have," Amanda shook her head but stood to the side to let Oliva in. She shooed Frannie out of the doorway, and pretended not to notice the disgusted look her dog threw at her before dropping the leash she had been hopefully holding on to and dejectedly padding away.

"They're from all of us at the precinct," Olivia explained as she stepped over the threshold, "We thought you'd be going crazy staring at the walls, so we decided you should at least have something nice to stare at," Olivia smiled.

It was such a kind gesture, and because in her life people had so rarely done kind things for her, Amanda was horrified to find that she couldn't stop her blue eyes filling with tears.

"Hey," Olivia said, gently, when she noticed, "What's going on?" and she lifted her hand to touch Amanda's arm in a gesture of comfort.

"Nothing," Amanda sniffed, and she wafted Olivia's arm away with one hand and swiped at her running nose with the sleeve of the other, "Blame the hormones…I'll get a vase," she said, grateful for something practical to do, and she side stepped Olivia's second attempt to touch her and headed for her kitchen cupboard.

"No, I won't blame the hormones," Olivia said, and she followed Amanda to the kitchen. Amanda sighed. She didn't need another stubborn, brown-eyed female in her life to contend with today. She cast a guilty side-glance at Frannie, who now appeared to be giving her the silent treatment. Usually, Amanda only had to look at a kitchen cupboard, much less open it and retrieve something without tripping over Frannie who would dance at her feet in the hopes of a treat. But for now, her usually treat-driven dog remained lying in her basket in the living space of the apartment.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked softly, as Amanda busied herself with filling a vase she had found with water. The longer she didn't have to make eye contact with her boss the better. Olivia had been interrogating people for years, and in Amanda's fragile state it wouldn't take much to break her down. She would be confessing her anxieties in no time, and she didn't want that. Olivia's respect had always been of paramount importance to her, and falling apart due to a mess of her own making wasn't something she was keen to do in front of a woman she held in such high esteem.

And more so, Amanda didn't want to fall apart in front of a woman whose standards she had fallen short of time after time.

"Cabin fever," Amanda reasoned, and she turned around from the sink and set the vase down carefully on the kitchen work top and smiled maybe a little to enthusiastically. She could tell by the look in the other woman's eye that she hadn't fooled her a jot, "I'm sick of being cooped up in my goddamn apartment," she winced, aware some of her frustration had broken the surface with her words, but it was only a half-lie. She was sick of these four walls, but, as the sudden tightening of her bump reminded her, she had no choice at the moment.

"Ah," Amanda startled with the pain which forced her to bend slightly, and her hand shot to her stomach.

"Amanda!" Olivia, alarmed, lay the flowers down hastily by the vase and was by her side in a second. The hand that Amanda had so successfully avoided moments before now held on to her arm, "What is it? What's wrong?" she repeated.

"Nothing," she snapped, "I just can't seem to stand up or walk around without protests from this one," she indicated towards her swollen belly as she spoke, and she reluctantly allowed herself to be shepherded towards her couch to sit down. Even Frannie seemed to forgive her, overcome with concern for her owner, as when Amanda sank down on to the cushions and rested her feet up on her coffee table, the dog trotted over to her and rested it's chin on her thigh to gaze up lovingly at her for a few seconds before retreating back to the plush dog bed.

"Should you see a doctor, Amanda?" Olivia asked, and she scanned Amanda's supine form up and down, "Should you be in this much pain?" she said as she sat down beside Amanda.

"I've seen a doctor!" Amanda cringed slightly when she realised that was twice she had snapped at Olivia in quick succession, "I just need to rest 'til the baby is here, is all…that's what the doctor said," she spoke softly this time, "Sorry for losing my temper with you…and…thank you for the flowers."

"It's ok," Olivia smiled at her, but it didn't meet her eyes which were full of worry, "How're you managing, Amanda?" Olivia spoke as if she were broaching a subject gently, as if she expected to be met with resistance. And she was right.

"Fine," Amanda lied immediately, although her less than well put together appearance and her dog chomping at the bit to get out of the front door upon Olivia's arrival betrayed her answer.

"Have you heard from your mom?" Olivia asked, delicately, though her words cut straight to Amanda's core. Olivia had a knack for hitting a nail on the head, and her strike rate was close to perfect.

"No," she shook her head and coughed roughly with emotion she was going no way to quell. She concentrated on keeping her hands still and laced them together in her lap; her best attempt at hiding her discomfort, though this time, it wasn't physical.

"You know, Amanda, if you need any help, all you have to do is-"

"My neighbour is walking Frannie for me," Amanda interrupted, eager to prove to Olivia she could indeed ask for help if needed.

"OK," Olivia nodded, "So that's Frannie sorted…what about you?"

"What about me?" Amanda deflected.

"Amanda," Olivia almost whispered her name, and she placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"No!" Amanda shrugged Olivia off, "Don't come here and do this!" she breathed heavily, wished she could stop being such a bitch to her superior, though she had long given up on any hopes she may have once had at pursuing a friendship with Olivia. Amanda had let Olivia – and herself – down far too many times. She supposed this was another occasion she could add to that tally.

"Don't do what?" Olivia asked, no signs of hurt or anger in retaliation, merely perplexed by her subordinate's odd behaviour.

"Don't…" Amanda looked around her apartment as if searching for the right words, "be nice to me," she eventually finished, realising herself how absolutely ridiculous she sounded.

"You don't want me to be nice to you?" Olivia sounded confused, and more than a little amused.

"Don't laugh at me, ok?" and feeling sensitive, Amanda sucked her bottom lip in to stop herself from pouting like a child, and she looked down and observed the subtle rise and fall of her stomach as the baby inside her moved.

"Sorry, Amanda, I'm not laughing at you. Why don't you want me to be nice to you?" Olivia asked, matter-of-factly, but Amanda still knew she was being humoured.

"Obviously I want you to be nice to me," Amanda retracted, "I just…I'm having a hard time, Liv," she finally admitted, and realised that in fact her honesty was a relief.

"Ok," Olivia acknowledged, softly, then waited for Amanda to continue.

The silence between them stretched on for a while whilst Amanda thought back to being in the hospital and breaking down in front of Carisi. It had been the first time she had really let herself feel the panic she had been burying with work. Although he had reassured her at the time, it hadn't lasted, and Amanda's concerns regarding how the hell she was going to cope had returned ten-fold.

"I don't think I can do this," she admitted, and she dipped her chin when she started to cry.

Olivia inched closer to her on the couch, and Amanda felt a strong arm wrap around her. Seconds later, she was pulled in close to Olivia's side. Amanda pressed her head against Olivia's shoulder. The tears came harder when Olivia rested her cheek against the top of Amanda's head. It felt good to unburden herself, to allow herself to be comforted, but her guilt ran parallel with her respite. She already loved her baby fiercely, more than anything and certainly more than she could possibly describe. It was overwhelmingly powerful, and the pain of anything happening to it would surely kill her. But how could she give her baby anything close to what it deserved?

"It's ok, Amanda," Olivia spoke soothingly into her blonde hair, "I think it's normal to feel like this."

On one level, she was grateful for Olivia's presence and comfort. It was hard always being on her own, and whilst she was used to it, she was so tired of it. But on another level, she was mortified to acknowledge she was crying in Olivia Benson's arms. All she had ever wanted was since she had begun working with the older woman was to be seen as an equal. She wanted to be seen as a strong, capable detective who could be relied upon to have the backs of her colleagues. But she had never achieved what she had strived for; she was the weak link in her team. She was an addict and a victim and this was just another screw up her co-workers could add to the ever-growing list of faults and failings of Amanda Rollins.

"I'm so sorry," Amanda sobbed. She was sorry for all of it. She was so full of regret, and if she had one wish it would be to go back and start over and do it all right this time.

"It's ok," Olivia reassured her, but misunderstanding when she said, "just let it out, it's ok."

Amanda knew Olivia thought she was apologising for crying all over her, when really she was apologising for so much more.

"I'm such a fuck up," she stammered out between sobs.

"Hey, no you're not! Listen, Amanda," Olivia gently guided Amanda away from her to seek out her watery eyes, and Amanda missed the warm, safe contact instantly, "Lots of women have babies on their own," she said, not realising the depth from which Amanda had drawn such a conclusion of her own character while she locked on to Amanda's blue eyes in search of a connection, "You'll be fine."

"I wanted my mom to stay," Amanda's voice broke as she spoke and she swiped over her face with the sleeves of her sweater to dry her tears. She had never been close to her mother, and she when she had left home, Amanda couldn't have been gone fast enough. But something about the dread of the unknown and the vulnerability she was feeling at the moment awoke something instinctive and primal in her, and despite her fractured relationship with her family, she wanted to turn to someone who had once – however loose a job they had made of it – been her primary care giver and protector.

And once again, as had happened time and time before, Amanda had been let down by that person.

Olivia sighed and looked at her sympathetically. "I'm sorry she left," Olivia stroked her thumb over Amanda's cheek as she spoke, and Amanda let her eyes close with the tender gesture, "Can I do anything to help?" Olivia offered.

"No," Amanda opened her eyes and shook her head as she refused, "Like you said, I'll be fine, Liv. Sorry to have kept you so long, I am sure you need to get back to Noah," she looked down to her watch as she spoke. The need to push Olivia away and isolate herself crawled up her spine and wrapped its heavy arms around her neck, ready to pull her back down and away from anything that was good for her. "Tell the guys thanks for the flowers-"

"Hey, you don't think I am going to go and leave you like this, do you?" Olivia interrupted, incredulous.

"Like what?" Amanda was suddenly offended, but quickly realised she had no room to be when considering her break down moments before.

"Amanda, you can barely take more than a few steps before you're in pain, you're alone and miserable. You're not coping and you're evidently scared out of your mind-"

"I'm not scared," Amanda interrupted, oversensitively.

"Ha!" Olivia gave a disparaging laugh, "The hell you aren't," she stared Amanda straight in the eye and called her out, "You're terrified."

"No, I am not," Amanda said slowly through gritted teeth. Being accused of being scared had always made her see red. Even when she was a child she would stand up to her father while her mother and her sister cowered in fear. She, a skinny ten-year-old would get in the way of swinging fists and take hits that weren't intended for her. She chose that. Being scared, it just wasn't who she was. And now she was an NYPD detective. She threw herself in the face of danger when everyone else ran in the opposite direction. She would be damned if she was going to admit to being frightened of anything – particularly to Olivia. "I am not scared," she repeated, "And I am coping just fine."

"Ok," Olivia sat back and shrugged her shoulders, "You're fine. You're coping," she nodded, in faux agreement which only heightened Amanda's anger, "What's your plan then, huh? I'll go home, then what're you gonna do?" Olivia pointed to Frannie, "Your neighbour hasn't turned up, so I guess you'll take Frannie for a walk?" the dogs ears pricked up at the sound of her name and the word 'walk' being used in the same sentence.

"Stop it," Amanda said quietly, and she felt her resolve shatter to pieces when she looked at her beautiful dog, her loyal friend whose needs she was neglecting. The guilt broke her down and she could feel the emotion building at the bottom of her throat.

"Then when you get back, you'll need to eat, so I guess you'll be standing in the kitchen for a while, preparing food and cooking, huh?"

"Stop it!" Amanda repeated, louder now, and when the sobs took her for the second time in Olivia's presence, she buried her face in her hands. She had been planning on having cereal for dinner again.

"Amanda," Olivia spoke her name quietly and tenderly, and all Amanda's anger melted away, "I am sorry, sweetie. Come here," Olivia all but whispered, and she gathered Amanda's shaking form up in her arms again. Amanda cried hard against Olivia, and for a long time Olivia let her. She shushed her and soothed her and stroked her fingers through the knots in her fine blonde hair. Eventually, it was the gentle rocking motion that Olivia started up that calmed Amanda down enough to talk to again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, Amanda, I just wanted to try to get through to you, to get you to accept you need some help right now. I'm sorry if I was a bit heavy handed."

"S'ok," Amanda responded, her voice still thick with unshed tears.

"No, it's not," Olivia disagreed, and as before, she guided Amanda back into a sitting position so she could look her in the eye. "Look, don't say no to this straight away, ok?"

"Ok," Amanda agreed uncertainly, and she wiped her face with the already wet sleeves of her sweater once more.

"Why don't you pack some things, and you and Frannie can come back with me to my place for a while?" Olivia suggested.

"Oh, no, Liv, I can't-"

Olivia held her hand up to halt Amanda's immediate refusal, "You said you wouldn't say no straight away," Olivia reminded her, "Hear me out."

Amanda didn't speak.

"You _will _be fine, and you _will _cope with this baby, Amanda," Olivia promised her, "But right now, you just need someone to lighten the load a little. You can focus on resting, without worrying about walking Frannie or cooking yourself meals until the baby arrives. What'dya say?"

Amanda sighed. It was more than she could ever hope for, and was far too much to accept.

"I can't ask you to do that for me, Liv," Amanda said, "I am grateful, I truly am, but I can't ask you to let me stay at your place, wait on me and walk my dog."

"OK," Olivia nodded, "Well, firstly, you're not asking, I am offering. Noah will think all his Christmasses have come at once when he sees Frannie. And plus, really, you'll be doing me a favour because having you at my place will mean I don't go out of my mind with worry for you here on your own."

Shame crept over to join it's good friend guilt.

"I am sorry, Liv, I didn't mean to worry you,"

"I know," Olivia responded, and she looked down to Amanda's hand and took it between her own, "I get it, ok? You're strong and independent and you don't ask for help or feel sorry for yourself. I get it, because I am the same as you. We've been shaped that way, because a long time ago, people gave us no choice but to be that way. We haven't had families to fall back on when we needed them. So, you know what I've learnt, Amanda?" Olivia asked, and Amanda could feel tears welling up in her eyes again.

"What?" she croaked; her voice hoarse. She could barely speak around the tightness in her chest.

"I've learnt that we have to find our own families. You have to find your own people to rely on. And it's tough, Amanda, it's one of the toughest things you'll ever do. And, well, you rely on people and you might get hurt. But it's worth the risk, you know? To not have to go through all the hard stuff alone. And, I am not just talking about me, here. Fin, Carisi…we're all worried, Amanda. And we're all here for you. You just need to say the word."

Amanda's head dropped when her tears got the better of her again, and she felt Olivia's forehead bump against her own. "What'd you say?" Olivia whispered to her, and if Amanda could have seen through the blur of moisture in her eyes, she would have been able to see tears brimming in the brown eyes of a friend she didn't know she had.

Amanda nodded, conceded to someone she trusted despite all her instincts to run hard and fast in the opposite direction.

"Good," Olivia breathed the word, and she pulled her head away from Amanda, pausing long enough to press a maternal kiss to the blonde woman's forehead. "I'm going to go home," Olivia said, pulling back, her voice stronger this time, "And come back in my car to pick you up. In the meantime, take your time, get some things together, ok?"

"Ok," Amanda agreed, and she took the tissue Olivia pulled out of her pocket and offered to her to wipe her face with now the sleeves of her sweater were sodden with the many tears she had shed so far. It was scary as hell – yes, Amanda Rollins was admitting she was scared – to rely on someone else, to trust, to open up. But really, in her current state she had little choice.

"I'll take Frannie with me for the ride, shall I?" Olivia offered as she stood up.

Frannie, having heard her name and witnessed Olivia stand up, jumped to her feet and barked with excitement at the prospect of finally going somewhere.

"I guess that's a yes," Amanda laughed.

"Great," Olivia smiled at her, "C'mon, Frannie," she said, and she patted her leg to indicate to the dog that she should follow.

After she had said goodbye for now to her boss, and her apartment door shut behind Olivia and Frannie, Amanda leaned back into her couch for a moment, raked her fingers through her – now slightly less tangled – hair, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. She was anxious about staying with Olivia. Historically, the two women had a rocky relationship and she was reluctant to disturb the tenuous peace that now existed between them, but she trusted Olivia more than she trusted herself, which was more than she could say for anyone she was biologically related to. With that thought, Amanda smiled and as she rested her hands on her kicking baby bump, she realised that maybe, even without realising it, at some point without realising it, she had already chosen her own family for herself.


End file.
